Autumn Season of Life

                                                 

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Autumn is a season of change. The days grow shorter; the cool breeze begins to blow; and the leaves change from green to vibrant red, yellow and orange. Not this year. Record heat is being recorded upwards to 101 degrees. The trees are suffering and their leaves are dying, turning brown on the tree and falling to the ground already curled and crispy. I pondered a large dead leaf, kicked it out of my path and thought to myself, "That's exactly how I feel this fall season. I mean nothing more to my sister's family than that dead leaf on the ground." 

My husband and I have built a beautiful fulfilling life together. The only other family that I am close to is my sister's family. She has a small family: her husband and a daughter.

I have recently come back from helping my brother-in-law in a dire situation…only by chance were we made aware of this.  Why is it that I was the one that was contacted? Why do I continue to feel responsible when I can feel the toxicity towards me? Two of my sister's friends called me to tell me her husband had been placed in the hospital and she cannot be left alone. She has alcohol/pain induced dementia. I have been ostracized for choosing not to drink, but it will always be the choice I make, and I will never make apologies for that. It has torn apart so many families, including mine. Yet, I’m the one that is called. Her daughter is self-absorbed in living her life. I quickly make arrangements and go immediately to help. We were graciously thanked over and over by her husband for being there to help until he could stabilize enough to return home.

So why do I feel that I have the "dead leaf syndrome"?  I have been told by her husband that I, in no way, will ever help make decisions about their family. I'm NOT family. Then why was I the one contacted? And WHY do I continue trying to inject myself into their lives? Why was I the only one that friends felt they could contact in a dire situation? It’s so pitiful that it actually hurts. 

 Well...I have a difficult time leaving behind the important people in my life. I'm uncertain why I continue to try to insert myself into their life when there is never any communication...if there is, I'm the one to do it. One would hope that with the small family that is left, they would embrace one another with love and thoughtfulness...openly. 

Leaving behind something very important to me has been my most difficult challenge.  Time and time again, I have tried to be there for what is left of my family. Time and time again, I’m cut off short, and most likely criticized behind my back. I often think that I am done trying to force myself into a toxic situation, hoping that I can make a change in a positive way. I feel the tension towards me for trying to help. I do my best to make it right, to please, to be helpful…and always find myself on the side of not knowing the impact of what others are feeling, nor am I ever contacted later.

My approach has been not to challenge them but rather find ways to encourage them while being truthful in the least painful way. My brother-in-law loses sight of what is most valuable in life, the giving of oneself of love and time. Not just throwing money at something.

So, I have been faced with another intense dire situation, which was most appreciated. I was told over and over how much it was appreciated that I was there, yet I walk away with the sense of being cut off. They will never contact me, as the only contact ever made is done by me. Why is that? I’ve been pondering that question. And why do I take on the responsibility of caring?

In recent months, I’ve been telling my husband that I might as well be dead in their eyes. (He does not much like that. God bless him for loving me so very much that it is painful for him to hear that.)  Now once again, I had to navigate from outside of the bubble, finding resources, contacting their friends, speaking with the daughter who has been in constant contact with her dad...we visited once, twice if you count that I was the one who had to contact her initially. I left feeling drained of energy, more so from the feeling that they would rather me not be there, than from the constant activity, caregiving and contacting others who were inquiring as to how they could help. That's why I feel that I have the dead leaf syndrome. 

Reflecting deeply, I realize that dead leaves symbolize change and transition, marking the passage from one stage of life into another. It is reason to reflect on what lies ahead. We must learn to let go to make room for new growth. Then I pondered how the dead leaves on the ground provide nutrients that encourage new growth.

Some days I do better with this dying and renewing process. I would like to not have to go through the process of ‘dying’. I would rather join hands with the family and stay on the green side of life. It hasn’t been that way for me in years. The reality is that I must let go of things, situations, and even people, that no longer serve me in a positive way. I am blessed with being able to look at a natural process such as the dead fallen leaves of autumn and see how they can teach me how to take a fall while at the same time nourishing myself in order to continue my growth and transformation.

 

 

 

 

 

HATE is a Powerful Word

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It is cliche to say, "I hate eating vegetables."...Just as it is to say, "I LOVE those shoes you are wearing." Now...do you really LOVE those shoes. I heard a sermon on the levels/meanings of love. There are different forms of love. And I believe that there are also different levels of hate. Mother always told me that there is a fine line between love and hate. That is true as I have learned in my adult life.

But let's think about the word HATE. I have real difficulty using the word hate. I'm not sure how far or deep that goes. As I live the Chrisian life, I have always tried to be forgiving. So, I have difficulty using the word hate because it is thrown around like it is nothing. However, hate is much more than that. Hate is a crippling emotion that ultimately becomes a reason you have negativity in your own life. 

In his presentation on Golden Rule Relationships, Zig Ziglar recognizes the damages that are done when you hate another person or even just resent them. He speaks about the necessity of forgiveness which has a profound effect on your overall happiness. We need to evaluate our emotions of hatred, resentment and guilt. These three realities affect our lives, I believe, in ways that we may never understand. Christian principles teach us to love one another and have forgiving hearts. I often say that I forgive people, but I can't forget a wrong done to me. "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me," But it doesn't mean that I can't have a relationship with that person. We have lost that ability in our modern world. We like to harbor hate and resentment too much...and this leads to feeling guilty.

Hating somebody brings more poison into your own life than anything else. Above all else, hate sucks the energy out of your life. What is most damaging is that it leads to guilt over what you may have said to someone or how you have made someone feel, etc. Guilt destroys productivity and is contradictory of the Golden Rule.

Focus on living a productive and happy life. Don't' spend your time or energy in HATING things. Don't let it rob you of being happy right where you are. Stay in the moment and count your blessings.

My Beautiful Sister on her 7th Birthday

1957

 Another fabulous cake made by Mimi (Ava Ella McNair Jones.) 

I love the way children would dress up for special occasions. 
Mother always let us have a birthday party.

Growing Up In Small Town America Part 17

                                 STRUCTURED ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL

Ready for the Recital

one last practice

My big brother, Bryan, watches over me.

Piano Lessons

Taking piano lessons was another cultural experience. I gained way more than I realized at the time. Learning to play the piano takes a lot of discipline and I was actually pretty good at it.  My piano teacher, Mrs. Connor, would eventually become one of my greatest mentors. She was a no nonsense person, but she had a definite passion to teach us well about how to read music and play to the best of our abilities. She made us attend Music Theory Lessons once a week during our first couple of years, along with our once a week private lesson.  She expected us to practice and could definitely tell when we had not done so. We brought our spiral notebook each week with our practice log and she would document our progress and write down the goals for the next week. It was a little scary when she became frustrated as she would take out her red pencil and begin to mark heavily on our music sheet of what we should be noticing. It was a tremendous learning experience and also a test of true discipline as we prepared each year for a public recital at the auditorium and also for National Auditions where ten pieces were played by memory for scrutiny in front of a judge.  We would be dismissed from school in order to participate in auditions. It was always a relief to have that behind me. In high school, I grew interested in other activities, though I still loved piano, I was not keeping up with practice. Mrs. Connor finally approached Mother about how it was wasting everyone’s time to continue. I was a little sad to not be around Mrs. Connor any longer, but it was for the best. I look back at her fondly as someone who enriched my life, helping me to set better standards.

Growing Up In Small Town America Part 16

STRUCTURED ACTIVITIES OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL

I am dressed in my Bluebird outfit. Paula was a cheerleader in Junior High.

 Camp Fire Girls and Horizon Club

Mother and Daddy made sure that I was involved in the community outside of the school setting. They wanted us to be raised with etiquette and culture and became members of the Community Concerts which was a cultural show of some kind each month at the auditorium. We would dress in our Sunday best and attend these monthly concerts.

 Mother also placed me in Camp Fire Girls. I started in Blue Birds, with 10 other hand chosen girls since my mother knew their mothers. We moved our way up to Camp Fire Girls, staying with the organization until we graduated high school. The top rank was Horizon Club. These girls became my core base of friends, forming my closest connections within its boundaries. We participated in monthly meetings, earning beads with our service to community and learning to do crafts, etc. We sewed our beads onto a vest in our own chosen patterns. I attended Day Camp every summer at the beautiful rustic Camp Fire Property on the outskirts of town. I started as a camper, and eventually became a camp counselor leading a group of younger kids.  I loved the Camp Fire director, Norma Jean Nowlin, and she obviously respected me, as she eventually made me and another friend, her main assistant helpers during the summer Day Camp. Being a part of Camp Fire was definitely important during my formative years.

My Study Place

We moved from Texas Street to our home at 4105 Bismark Street in 1962. It was a 3-bedroom home so that meant Paula and I shared a room. And you know how that goes! She was 6 years older than me and pretty much took precedence over the bedroom. I had started school, and Mother wanted me to have my own space to study, do homework and color or whatever else I needed. She set me up a corner in the den. I loved to color. Here I am busy at work :)

I still have the Dr. Seuss books and the dog bookends. The square table is a family heirloom. It belonged to my great grandparents, Mama and Papa McNair. (Ella Vermell King McNair, Charles Franklin McNair)

First Day of School for Bryan Quillin -1954

 It has been the same throughout the ages. The first-time mother having her first born child leave the nest and go to school for the first time. I had a loving family, and Mother and Daddy cared so very much for me, my brother and my sister. In 1954, Mother sent Brayn to school for the first time, and she found this news article that fit so perfectly for sending him out into the world. I had the BEST mother in the whole world. There was SUCH quality in all that she taught her children. This is indicative of her love and compassion.