Mother's Day

 

MY BEAUTIFUL MOTHER

I have always been okay with a day set aside to celebrate Mothers and Fathers. And I was even okay when we added Grandparent’s Day to the calendar. But then we just kept adding special days to the calendar to where we now celebrate…heck, I don’t know…even Tacos. It is ridiculous!

With that said, I celebrated my mother EVERYDAY, not just on Mother’s Day. I had one of the BEST mothers ever. She was with my heart and soul every day of my life. She placed my needs (not ‘wants’) above everything else. She loved me with agape love. I learned much from her because of her deep and discerning wisdom. She departed it to me in subtle ways, just by being there for me, more especially as an adult. I knew as a child that her role was to be respected first and foremost as my mother. When I went to college, I realized that she was wise about EVERYTHING. And at that point, she became my best friend. There is so much hype about Mother’s Day, especially on FB that is feels more like a competition. I’m aware that everyone feels their mother is special (well, maybe not everyone)…but there is a completely different side to Mother’s Day and how it may stir a different emotion in some women.

I read a piece yesterday on FaceBook that could be my sentiments exactly. It was written by Anne Lamott, a well-known author. She is a recovering alcoholic and I agree with her philosophy, maybe not all of it…but a good chunk of it. This piece was rather long so I will paraphrase what I took away from it.

This has become Ms. Lamott’s annual Mother’s Day Post….

 “Here is my annual Mother’s Day post, ONLY for those of you who dread the holiday, dread having strangers, cashiers & waiters exclaim cheerfully, mindlessly, “Happy Mother’s Day!”…

This is for those of you who may feel a kind of sheet metal loneliness on Sunday, who had an awful mother, or a mother who recently died, or wanted to but didn't get to have kids, or had kids who ended up breaking your hearts… I did not raise my son, Sam, to celebrate Mother’s Day. I didn’t want him to feel some obligation to buy me pricey lunches or flowers, some obligatory annual display of gratitude…. But Mother’s Day celebrates a huge lie about the value of women: that mothers are superior beings, that they have done more with their lives and chosen a more difficult path. Ha! Every woman’s path is difficult, and many mothers were as equipped to raise children as wire monkey mothers. I say that without judgment: It is true. An unhealthy mother’s love is withering.

The illusion is that mothers are automatically more fulfilled and complete…. I hate the way the holiday makes all non-mothers, and the daughters of dead mothers, and the mothers of dead or lost children, feel the deepest kind of grief and failure. The non-mothers must sit in their churches, temples, mosques, recovery rooms and pretend to feel good about the day while they are excluded from a holiday that benefits no one but Hallmark and See’s. There is no refuge — not at the horse races, movies, malls, museums…. Mothering perpetuates the dangerous idea that all parents are somehow superior to non-parents…. Don’t get me wrong: There were a million times I could have literally died of love for my son, and I’ve felt stoned on his rich, desperate love for me. I felt it yesterday when I was in despair. But I bristle at the whispered lie that you can know this level of love and self-sacrifice only if you are a parent. What a crock! We talk about “loving one’s child” as if a child were a mystical unicorn. A majority of American parents secretly feel that if you have not had and raised a child, your capacity for love is somehow diminished. They secretly believe that non-parents cannot possibly know what it is to love unconditionally, to be selfless, to put yourself at risk for the gravest loss…. But my main gripe about Mother’s Day is that it feels incomplete and imprecise. The main thing that ever helped mothers was other people mothering them, including aunties and brothers; a chain of mothering that keeps the whole shebang afloat….”

 And yes, I've been told by family, that there is no way I could understand because I don't have children. But they have no idea how much I love family and how many hours I have spent understanding my heritage and appreciating EVERY mother and father who has gone before me. 

Keeping all of that in mind, the way I spent honoring my mother when she was alive was to GO VISIT WITH HER. I didn’t lavish her with flowers; I didn’t take her to a fancy restaurant that required reservations. I made my own reservation to just spend time with her, and not just on Mother's Day. I gave the gift of time, and it was during a time of her life when she needed me the most!  Just being with her on that special day was what meant the most to both of us.