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Autumn is a season of change. The days grow shorter; the cool breeze begins to blow; and the leaves change from green to vibrant red, yellow and orange. Not this year. Record heat is being recorded upwards to 101 degrees in mid-October. The trees are suffering, and their leaves are dying, turning brown on the tree and falling to the ground already curled and crispy. I pondered a large dead leaf, kicked it out of my path and thought to myself, "That's exactly how I feel this fall season. I mean nothing more to my sister's family than that dead leaf on the ground."
My husband and I have built a beautiful fulfilling life together and it keeps me going. The only other family that I am close to is my sister's family. She has a small family: her husband and a daughter.
Leaving behind something important to me is my most difficult challenge. Time and time again, I have tried desperately to be there for what is left of my family. And time and time again, I’m cut off short, and most likely criticized behind my back. Recently, I was once again called in to help. I was the only one that their friends felt they could contact in a dire situation. It’s so pitiful that it actually hurts. I like to think of myself as a decent person, so I keep placing myself in vulnerable situations and coming up short. I often think that I am done forcing myself into their toxic situation, hoping that I can make a change in a positive way. Yet what did I do? I ran to their rescue. It's what one does in a time of need. I feel the tension towards me for trying to help. I do my best to make it right, to please, to be helpful…and always find myself on the side of not knowing the impact of what they are feeling.
It was only by chance that the family became aware of my brother-in law's dire situation. He had been admitted to the hospital and could have lost his life from internal bleeding. Why was I the one that was contacted? Why do I continue to feel a need to help when I can feel the toxicity towards me? My sister has alcohol/pain
induced dementia. She cannot be left alone. Her daughter is self-absorbed in
living her life. I have been ostracized for choosing not to drink, but it will
always be the choice I make. It has torn apart so many families, including
mine. I will have no part of that. Yet, I’m the one that is called.
My approach has been not to challenge them but rather find
ways to encourage them while being truthful in the least painful way. I try to choose my words probably too
carefully which leaves me vulnerable to their criticism. My brother-in-law
loses sight of what is most valuable in life, the giving of oneself with love
and time. Not just throwing money at something.
Don't get me wrong. I was most appreciated. I was told over and over how much it was
appreciated that I was there, yet I walk away with the sense of being cut off. They
will never contact me, as the only contact ever made is done by me. Why is
that? I’ve been pondering that question. And why do I take on the
responsibility of caring?
In recent months, I’ve been telling my husband that I might
as well be dead in their eyes. (He does not much like that. God bless him for
loving me so very much that it is painful for him to hear that.) Now once again, I had to navigate from outside
of the bubble, finding resources, contacting their friends, speaking with said
daughter. I've been told before that I'm not family and that I would not be part of any decisions they make for my sister. I'm fine with that, but I'm not okay with being challenged for any thoughts, ideas, or solutions that I can offer. And btw...my sister IS family. So... I left feeling drained of
energy, more so from the feeling that they would rather me not be there, than
from my constant vigil and the constant activities of caregiving and contacting others who were inquiring
as to how they could help.
After kicking that dead leaf from my path upon my return home, I pondered the fact that it may be a symbol of myself. Reflecting deeply, I realized that dead leaves symbolize change and transition, marking the passage from one stage of life into another. It is reason to reflect on what lies ahead. We must learn to let go to make room for new growth, just as the leaves fall to the ground in autumn. Then I pondered how the dead leaves actually provide nutrients that encourage new growth.
Some days I do better with this dying and renewing process.
I would like to not have to go through the process of ‘dying’. I would rather
join hands with the family and stay on the green side of life. It hasn’t been
that way for me in years. The reality is that I must let go of things,
situations, and even people, that no longer serve me in a positive way. I am
blessed with being able to look at a natural process such as the dead fallen
leaves of autumn and see how falling to the ground will nourish me to continue MY growth and transformation.
