Framing My World - 3

 Kind Hearted But Not a Push Over / Family Experiences

I’m good natured. I don’t blow up easily. I carry it on my shoulders until too much pushes me to consider myself done. Exception to that is family. I yield to family, hoping for stronger relationships now that I’m older. Family has always been important to me. I thought we were always close. Maybe I lived in a fairy tale. Without children, I enjoy being a part of their activities. I’m saddened now as adults how we have grown apart.

Though I may seem like a push-over because I don’t fight back, I have an inner strength from absorbing life’s lessons and taking them to heart. I was the baby of the family, making some think I was spoiled, I was more the product of a family that fell apart, living in a situation after my siblings left that only I witnessed. My parents became embroiled in alcohol and a troubled relationship. At that point in their lives, they chose not to battle me because I was an easy child, learning from other’s mistakes. I didn’t want to create more conflict. I used my experiences to grow wiser and stronger. I overcame a lot of hurt, trying not to inflict pain on others which is why I took the back seat. This gave me a good sense of reality, making me vigilant, watching things from a distance and seeing through disguises. A comfort in all of that was the fact that I was still surrounded by agape love. I never felt that I was the problem. I knew how much each parent loved me. It was never directed at me.

One thing that impacted my self-image was something that Daddy often said in his conversations with other people when I was present. Though he didn’t intend to be hurtful, over time it became that way for me. He was usually referencing someone’s ignorance.  He would say, “so and so (whoever it was) doesn’t know any more about that than… (look around, point at me) than Nancy does.” I shouldered it, wasn’t hurt, was fully aware that I was young with no knowledge of that situation…. but the older I got, the more I resented that statement.  It took me a long time to realize that this may be why I feel inferior to others, less deserving. But it may also be why I look out for my own interest.  I’m kindhearted, but not a push over.