Finding A New Direction

 At the start of the new year, and after a few bad years since 2020, I am seeking a new direction. My love of family research, of family roots and my closest family connections are near to my heart.... the most important thing in the world for me. I treasure the relationship between me and my husband. It is the most valuable asset I have. It has been a great love story. I always thought that my other immediate family was on that same level. However, I have found that to not be the case. It is heartbreaking. This post contains my thoughts in Jan. 2023, as we began yet another year.

In the early morning hours when I’m working on other projects, usually researching my family history, my mind often takes me to my innermost thoughts. It’s a place where I try to sort out the madness of my own family or what’s left of it. It has caused much angst and I’ve grown weary over the years since I’ve lost my mother.  I don’t give up easily on people nor does my love fade quickly. As my mother, who gave me MUCH advice in subtle ways, a thought comes clearly to my mind about the hurt and rejection I feel and have felt over the years since my mother's passing. I've tried WAY too hard to keep the family together. It’s like a brick wall that is strong and steady, as I have always thought my bonds with family were strong.  Yet over time when you are hurt or rejected or taken advantage of, these things are like taking a pickaxe to that wall and chipping away. Chip chip chip and soon there is a hole in that wall. Here today, I’m wondering, is it a hole big enough that I’m willing to step through? I keep getting pushed into that hole, which I have never wanted to step through. I have never wanted to admit that THAT is where I am. I’ve always had hope that these thoughts were over exaggerated in my mind. But over and over again, I go back to this hole, that now feels bigger than ever. I need to find a new course for my own soul to survive. My life is a good one with the love of a husband so vast that it covers me like a blanket of joy and wonder. I must find a way to be happy with that warm blanket of comfort…and that may mean….leaving the others behind. I’m needing to do it for myself.
 
Here are a few quotes that have recently appeared for me to ponder. For some reason, these quotes have spoken loudly to me. Is it time for me to consider myself?
 
Perhaps some detours are not detours at all. Perhaps they are actually the path.  ~Katherine Wolf (I don’t want to leave my road, but perhaps I must, so that I can find peace.)
 
One thorn of experience is worth a whole wilderness of warning. ~James Russell Lowell
 
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option. ~Maya Angelou
 
That’s enough today, for setting a new course.

My suggestion for others...leave alcohol on the shelf. It has affected my life in countless ways, and I'm NOT the one who imbibes.