Follow a Beacon of Light

 Time and Time and TIME again...over the years, I have processed and let it go...for the greater good of everyone involved. I can't this time. After processing....... I can no longer commit myself as I've done.... over and over again. It's that chip, chip chipping away, that Mother always talked about....and now, the wall has fallen.

Not my choice but thrust upon me.... I have to let it go. I cannot be accosted and screamed at over the phone. I have never been spoken to by anyone, like what I was met with back in May. I know that my sister would have NEVER screamed at me like that. She loves me; she never treated me like that, ever! I was told that I just like to fight about things....and that I always want things my way. 

It is sooooooo foreign to me and then this morning…. I feel angry and I don't feel anger hardly at ALL. But I felt angry that someone I have loved and cherished and been such a part of her life…and have held out hope that it could return to normal and that I could be the person who could help….and she called and now it feels like she accosted me. So yes, this has gone over the top. And as I calm down, it makes me bitterly sad. I have a huge lump in my throat. How could alcoholics leave such a wake with things tattered and shattered on the floor?

Once the screaming started.... over my slow and deliberate and calm voice, I reached a point where I had to scream back, just to get her attention. With God as my witness, I speak this as truth... screaming and yelling has never been a part of my adult world. I don't plan for that to be the case again.

It doesn't make any sense to me, but neither does alcoholism. Years ago, I was faced down by the demon of alcohol on a completely different front, and I swore that I would never abuse the substance. I've kept that promise to myself, but that promise could not ward off the demons of someone else. And now I'm choosing to stop letting it steal my peace and energy.

Mother fought the demon of alcohol and by the grace of God, on her own, she WON the battle. She returned to her faith, became a Sunday School teacher, studying the Bible daily, and with God's help she defeated the demon. Her words were spoken with such wisdom and still ring true in my ears on many many days. I can still hear her voice when she told me two things about my personality. 1) that I never make quick decisions, and good things happen to me because of that.... And.... 2) be careful, you are the kind of person that can be taken advantage of (THAT DOESN’T INDICATE A FIGHTER, DOES IT?) nor does it indicate someone who always wants things my way. Two things I was accused of. Boy! This caller doesn't know me.

The anger has subsided and the sadness has set in like a heavy fog over the bay. I no longer have my sister in her healthy mental capacity, but I will follow the light to a place of my own inner peace and serenity. I will leave the rest behind me.